Some people are afraid of spiders or heights.
I am afraid of both. But the main fear that dictates my life is a fear of
people.
Also known
as social anxiety.
I’m aware
this isn’t the same as other fears. When I see a person I don’t get the urge to
scream and smack them with a shoe but I am scared of rejection and causing
awkward silences. Pretty reasonable things; except my reaction is blown way out
of proportion. I think I subconsciously expect this to happen:
I have a
vague understanding of how social situations are supposed to work yet as soon
as I enter one I forget everything. It’s like the stress of making small talk
creates a miniature black hole in my brain that sucks up all that relevant information.
Which is why when people first meet me they may think I am an idiot or a
terrorist.
The bigger
the crowd, the bigger the black hole resulting in the less sense I make.
Even if I
manage to relax enough to be part of a conversation it often becomes the other
person’s monologue and I nod along like a bobble headed toy. Group discussions
are even worse but that’s mainly because of my detailed thought process that
goes into talking.
If someone
points out that I’m not talking much I’ll try to make more of an effort to join
in and sometimes I’m so desperate to say anything
my thought process with become more like.
Despite all
this kerfuffle I don’t hate socialising. Kind of like I’m trying to get to a
delicious bowl of cereal but in order to get there I must swim through a tank
of sharks. Although it’s as if the reward is also the thing I am most afraid
of. So I guess it is more like I’m trying to get to a bowl of cereal that is made of sharks.
Okay shut-up
I suck at analogies.
The only
consolation I have is that when I know people better this is less likely to
happen. It’s a very inefficient way to make friends, but hey, at least it works
occasionally!
And when it
does I will stick to those friends loyally like a barnacle whether they like it
or not.
So if you
are a friend of a friend or a stranger who happens to cross my path, I
apologize in advance for my ramblings and feeble attempts at jokes. Just give
me ten more chances over the space of several months and maybe you’ll get to
know me better.
Deep, deep,
deep down I’m okay (probably)
